Advice and Support
Many of the mainstream agony aunts and advice givers are not at all responsible when giving advice about sex. Many tell youngsters that as long as they use ‘protection’ and feel ready, they are OK to have sex. But it isn’t just youngsters who are being given potentially damaging advice. One well-known agony aunt tells adults that if their partner is not giving them enough sex, they should not tolerate the situation and leave such an ‘unloving’ situation. Indeed, many agony aunts are still confusing the concepts of love and sex.
Write to us at Celibrate and you can be assured of a responsible reply. We will never suggest that you need a counsellor just because you don’t want sex. Have a problem or concern? Let us know, and we will do our best to help. Write to us here. We’ll answer as many as we can here, and we will only use your first name or preferred name, so complete confidentiality is assured.
Some recent requests for advice are answered here by Denise. Armed with a degree in psychology and a heart for fellow-celibates, she is well equipped to answer all of your questions and would love to hear from you.
Question:
I'm 16 and I've been with my boyfriend, who is 8 months older, a year and half as of yesterday. We haven't had sex yet, as we have both admitted that neither of us are ready. While being brought up, I was taught that waiting until marriage was the right answer, however I know that my boyfriend was not taught the same. Or rather, it was quite a taboo topic for him in his childhood, so in fact he's not been given an opinion at all.
Because of this, he is more of a believer that if you're in a strong relationship, and you love each other, then sex is the most powerful way to prove it. And the trouble is, not only do I agree with my mum on remaining chaste until marriage, I also agree with my boyfriend. Although my family isn't religious, I do have my own religious beliefs, such as that sex is a gift from god, and I also believe that it should only be given to one person, of course allowing for extreme circumstances.
I'm just finishing school, and he is in work, and we're both aiming to be living together in a couple of years time (which he has forbidden me on helping to pay for, I might add, he wants to buy our first home himself). We are planning to get married as well, and I really need you to not be of the opinion that we are just another lovestruck teen couple. We've been through a serious rough patch lately, but we're so much stronger for it now, and if we made it through that we can make it through anything.
I know you aren't here to lecture on what is right and wrong, but I'd like your personal opinion anyway - although I do feel under pressure to have sex, it is not because I feel shunned by society if I do not, or that I will be incomplete until I do. Do you personally believe that sex is only acceptable after marriage? Or is it acceptable before so, if it's not being treated as a dangerous hobby, instead being treated as a sign of respect and love for the other person? For example, if a couple were living together and knew they would get married in the future, and neither had had sex with anyone else, would it be acceptable for them to make love?
Charlotte, UK
Answer:
Thank you so much for taking the time to write in. You are just sixteen and yet have composed one of the most intelligent and thoughtful letters I have seen on this subject. You are obviously very wise and have thought things through very carefully indeed - fair play to you! It seems that you care about each other a great deal and regardless of what you decide to do, since both of you have been with nobody else, you have no risk of contracting the sexually transmitted infections that are so prevalent in society right now. It is understandable that, coming from a different background to yourself, your boyfriend thinks and feels differently about certain issues, including sex.
However, having read between the lines, I can't help but wonder whether you are feeling under pressure. That pressure doesn't necessarily have to come from someone else - it can come from within, from yourself. You clearly care about each other very much, having come through difficult situations together. You know he respects you because he is even insisting on paying the full mortgage once you purchase a house. It is only natural that you will thus feel pressure to please him. After all, you have said yourself that he sees sex as the most powerful way to 'prove' your love. I would disagree. The most powerful way to prove your love would be to give each other your virginity within marriage. There can be no love more powerful than giving to each other the one thing that you choose not to give to anyone else, within the context of marriage.
Why marriage though? To be perfectly honest, marriage is not a ticket to lifelong happiness. Indeed, many marriages end in divorce and there are people who don't tie the knot and stay together longer. However, the odds of cohabiting couples splitting up are more than double those of married couples, even after taking age, education, income, ethnic group and benefits into account. If you are considering having children one day, it's worth noting that one in three unmarried couple parents will split up before their child's third birthday compared to one in seventeen married parents. If you wait for marriage, you will be able to show your children by example that you waited. What a fabulous testimony! Marriage is a public commitment to each other which makes it a more difficult vow to break. You have both already waited this long and intend to get married anyway, so a little longer shouldn't be too hard unless, that is, you feel under pressure. If you do, it might be worth speaking to your boyfriend about this. If he truly loves you, he will understand. I'm wishing you both the very best for your future - I have a feeling it's going to be good!
Question:
I would appreciate additional information regarding health issues that may occur if a person remains celibate. With all the doctors saying how great it is for your health and longevity/life span, please could you share additional information? Your q/a portion touched on this briefly but I would appreciate more. Also if you have any thoughts regarding masturbation and if that should also be avoided and why, I'd appreciate that. Great, awesome site - thanks for sharing it.
Christina, UK
Answer:
Many thanks for contacting us, and for your interesting questions.
The health benefits of remaining celibate are twofold. Firstly, as a celibate practicing total abstinence from all sexual contact with another person, you are protecting yourself from the multitude of sexually transmitted infections that are so prevalent in society today. Many will tell you that condoms will do the same, but in fact, although they lessen the risk, they do not sufficiently protect you from sexually transmitted infections, least of all HPV, which is one of the most common and can lead to cervical cancer. As a celibate, you also avoid the heartache associated with being used physically, you are able to connect to people without letting sex get in the way, and thus you are often more able to protect yourself emotionally.
Masturbation is a difficult issue and one that is not easy to advise upon because it depends upon your own feelings about it, the frequency it occurs and whether you are personally happy with the issue. In fact, it's not always related to sex, and is sometimes practiced to relieve tension. Indeed, it isn't harming anyone else, but it can be harmful to you emotionally if (a) it conflicts with your own ideals, (b) it is excessively practiced and (c) it is used as a substitute when the desire is really to find a real life husband or wife.
Question:
I'm a virgin in my 40s. Do I need a smear test if I have never had any sexual contact? Lesley, Manchester, UK
Answer:
This is a very interesting question and one I'd been interested in personally ever since I started getting the regular letters to inform me that I had never had a smear and it was due. If you have never had sexual intercourse and you have had no sexual contact with another's genital area then you do not need a smear test. Whilst the vast majority of cervical cancer cases are caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), a small number of cases will occur that are not caused by HPV. Nevertheless, the probability of a virgin acquiring cervical cancer is extremely rare. Lysbeth Duncan, a retired gynaecologist says: 'I would be very hesitant to recommend a HPV test to virgins. The speculum can be very painful especially if the hymen is intact. There's only one woman I've ever seen who had cervical cancer whilst still a virgin, and that was a nun in her 60s. Even then, this was cancer of the cervical lining - not the type of cancer that you pick up on a smear test.' Dr Ted Williams, former Director of Public Health, agrees, saying: 'A person who has never been sexually active has a very small risk indeed of acquiring the disease. The problem with all screening programmes is the issue of false positives. Some people may have a positive or borderline smear but do not have the disease, which can only be confirmed by a biopsy. However, the problem is the anxiety and stress that results'. With this information, a woman must decide whether the benefit that she may gain is worth the risk of a false positive smear. Dr Trevor Stammers, a GP in South West London, says he would advise any woman who is a non-smoker and has had no genital sexual activity at all that she does not need a smear, but warns that oral sex and manual masturbation by another person count as genital sexual activity. Janie, a Health Advisor at NHS Direct says: 'The risk is very very low in women who haven't been sexually active. The risk is so low that it wouldn't be necessary to have a smear test.'
Question:
My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months and he has begun to pressure me into having sex. I am 18 and I want to wait until marriage before having sex, but every time I try to speak to him about it he just gets angry and says that I can’t possibly love him because I’m not willing to prove it. When I mention marriage he says he’s too young for that sort of commitment. He’s 19 and we get on really well except for this issue, which is causing me a lot of grief. Anne,Cambs
Answer:
When someone tells you to ‘prove your love’ through having sex, what they are actually saying is that your feelings don’t matter. If he cared about you, he would not be asking you to do something that you feel uncomfortable with. Certainly, he would not use this type of emotional blackmail. Anyone who asks you to prove your love is taking you for a gullible fool. Someone who truly loves you wants what is best for you. He wants you to surrender your virtue, to compromise your values, to risk getting pregnant, and to throw away your reputation and self-respect. A guy who truly loves you would not hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable in this way. If he truly loves you, let him prove it, at the altar.
Question:
Many of the comments on the website are written by people who do not want sex or have a low sex drive. We have been dating for our years and we are both 23. Unlike others, we have high sex drives. We want to express our love in a physical way very much, but we also feel that we are called to live a celibate life until we are married. We know that we are going to get married, but for now it isn't financially feasible. Do you have any advice? Jenny, Lincoln, UK
Answer:
Many thanks for being so open and honest about your situation Jenny. I feel for you because waiting is so much more difficult if you have a high sex drive. However, the rewards for waiting will therefore be that much greater once you do wed, since the harder we fight for something, the bigger the reward. You have made an applaudable decision that is to be admired. For now, it is advisable to stay our of tempting situations, although having dated for four years, you will already know your boundaries. If you have not already done so, now might be a good time to plan the practicalities of marriage - set a target date, devise a plan regarding how to raise enough money for the particular date you have in mind for your wedding. Remember that a wedding doesn't have to cost the earth - and I'm sure that your church will help you with the practical aspects of planning for your big day. You have both obviously thought things through very carefully and would be great role models for the youth of today. Who knows, one day you might look back and remember your struggles with joy, and you will be able to tell your children that you waited, despite the pressure from society today. Indeed, you have chosen to give to each other the bedt gift anyone could offer to their future husband or wife. I wish you the both the best of luck. Let us know how you get on!
Question:
I am a 20 year old girl going out with a 25 year old guy. We have been happily together for about 2 years now and we have both made vows to remain virgins and wait until marriage. However, it's getting to a point now where we are so into each other that it's sometimes hard to hold back. I know this might sound silly, but do you have any advice as to how to remain true to ourselves? I don't want to regret anything we do and is it normal that we are this way?Megan, UK
Answer:
It sounds as though you have both thought things through and have made some wise choices. Unless you are asexual, it is perfectly natural to feel the urge to take things further, especially if you love each other and have built up a relationship over two years. It would be a shame and great regret to you both to break your vows after keeping them all this time, but as you are going through a difficult patch, here's some advice. Firstly, try to keep yourselves away from temptation or anything that you know will make it more difficult for you to keep your vows. For example, don't get into compromising situations that might lead to one or both of you wanting to take things a little further. The fact that you have both made the decision together is really fabulous, because it means that you can help each other when one or the other of you feels tempted and you can rely on each other to remind yourselves of your vows without feeling under undue pressure or guilt. Remember why you made the vows and think of how good you will feel to have kept your promise until you wed. There are many benefits that await you in the future if you both retain your virginity until marriage. Not only will you know that you saved yourselves for each other, but you will have no baggage from other sexual relationships. What's more, as both of you are virgins, you will not have to worry about sexually transmitted infections at all - how good is that!. Best of luck to you both.
Question:
Is there anything medically detrimental for a women to have her physical virginity past a certain age? I don't know any virgins except for myself who are older than 21 apart from nuns. A friend told me that she saw a doctor on Oprah who said that having a hymen past a certain age was unhealthy and she had lost her virgininity for this reason.Moonstar, USA
Answer:
The answer is a resounding NO!There are huge numbers of women who are still virgins and as far as sexually transmitted infections are concerned, staying chaste and (if getting married), only marrying another virgin is the only way to fully protect yourself. The human papilloma virus (HPV) is virtually unheard of in nuns, and cannot be transmitted if you have not been sexually active. In this respect, far from being unhealthy, the decision to remain a virgin is very healthy indeed. I cannot comment on what your friend saw, or even whether your friend heard it the doctor correctly, but all reputable, professionally trained doctors would assure you that retaining your virginity at any age has no detrimental effect on your health.
Question:
Does celibacy mean that you can't hold hands or kiss or anything like that? If I'm dating but really want to remain celibate, just how far can I go? John, Essex, UK
Answer:
Of course you can kiss and hold hands. You have to date to get to know someone after all. As for how far you can go, it all depends on where you personally draw the line. Remember that you don't have to have full sex to contract a sexually transmitted infection. The lower you draw the line, the harder it will be to stop. It's a personal choice, but if you want to remain chaste, you need to avoid all the erogenous zones. Kissing and holding hands is fine, but anything more than that, and you're placing yourself in a compromising situation that you might regret later. How far can you go? Maybe the question should be: 'How much can I save?'
Question:
I've not had sex yet but when I do, I want to know that I have all the facts correct. Should I really be concerned about sexually transmitted infections such as HPV if I make sure a condom is used? I'm getting mixed information from people and wondered if you could tell me the truth because I'm getting very confused! Jo, Norwich
Answer:
In the UK at the time of writing, one out of every two sexually active people have HPV. You don't even have to have sex with someone - just skin to skin contact is enough to transmit the virus. Viral infections cannot be cured, and you are always at risk of infecting a future partner once you have it. What's more, it's currently impossible to test guys for HPV. The scary thing is, more people in this country die from cervical cancer than from AIDS. So yes, HPV is something to be concerned about, for sure. As for condoms, they are almost totally ineffective against HPV. Based on recent studies, if you take 100 teenagers, all using condoms, by the end of the first year, 16 percent would be pregnant. Putting it another way, if you were travelling on an aeroplane and there was only an 84 percent chance of arriving in one piece and unharmed, would you take the risk? A condom is one of very few products that doesn't come with a guarantee. They can be out of date, used incorrectly and they are ineffective against one of the most common sexually transmitted infections - HPV.
Question:
I have been dating my girlfriend for six months now. We are very happy but she has shown no interest in me physically other than holding hands. Could she be asexual? John, Bucks
Answer:
There are many good reasons why people prefer not to take things further sexually. She might be shy or afraid of making the first move, especially if this is her first relationship. Or she might have made a (very wise) decision to wait until marriage before doing anything that might lead to sex. Six months might seem like a long time, but it is actually a very short time in which to be considering getting involved sexually. Why not direct her to this site, saying that you found it interesting. If she is asexual, she might identify with others here and then have the courage to tell you.
Question:
I'm not sexually active but I'm concerned that if and when I am, there is a huge risk of contracting the Human Papilloma Virus, which is so prevalent now. Could you tell me - is there such a thing as a HPV test, either for men or women, and if contracted, does it remain in your body forever? Pat, Bournemouth, UK
Answer:
Dr Richard Barr, Chief Executive of the charity Love for Life, explains: 'There are certain DNA type tests that can be used alongside smear tests in women to detect specific types of HPV. There is currently no such test in men and therefore people can be carrying the virus for a very long time with no symptoms, passing it onto other sexual partners'. Often, an infected person will eliminate the virus from their body in months but it can remain long term and even lifelong. Someone can therefore pass it on many years after they were infected. Sometimes, someone who has been infected presumes that their current partner has been unfaithful, which might not be the case if either person has had previous sexual contact. A good reason to remain a virgin until marriage, and preferably marry another virgin. That way, you can be sure of a HPV-free future!